


Long Way Down

by royalstcve



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Emotional Hurt, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Making Up, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:47:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24128398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/royalstcve/pseuds/royalstcve
Summary: He was alone, the compound swallowed him nearly whole. The new Avengers filled it up a little, which he had to lead despite feeling utterly inadequate. Tony had made his decisions though and apparently hadn't foreseen these consequences. The guilt was eating away on him and he felt empty. The anxiety was not helping either. The support from Rhodey and Pepper was very welcome, it didn't help him move on though. Tony hoped that his old friends would return and that they could salvage what was left.Steve felt wrong, unfit, in the way of everyone and everything. He had to keep moving or he would be stuck forever, sitting with the decisions he had made. He refused to acknowledge it and avoid it as best as he could, which he was succeeding in. When he got the option to return he grabbed it with both hands, unsure if he would succeed in salvaging it all. He was desperate enough to try it though.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Kudos: 44





	Long Way Down

**Author's Note:**

> thinking of titles and summaries for fanfics will be my villain origin story so I'm sorry in advance about that part. I wrote this instead of doing my therapy exercise because people liked my tweet where I said I wanted to write a fic based on those black suits from Steve and Tony but did not know what the plot would be, so here we are! I'm a sucker for emotional hurt/comfort fics and I have never written smut, so that's, why we ended up at post-ca:cw fic, E N J O Y !

The Metal Crusader, that's what Tony named the new armour standing in front of him. It was past midnight and eerily quiet in the compound. The Rogues were somewhere in Asia, Tony compulsively checked in on all of them, Jarvis, Pepper and Rhodey would disapprove, but Jarvis wasn't here anymore, Pepper was on the West Coast and Rhodey was on an army base in the USA, not near the compound at least. So there he was, sleep-deprived, lonely, angry and he just finished his finest armour. Nanotechnology coming from the core of an arc reactor, a sleek vantablack armour. New armoury, a shield, new more powerful repulsors and another helmet just in case the other gets bashed off. "Thanks for that feedback, Rogers" Tony thought bitterly. 

'Friday, run diagnostics please on the armour. I'm gonna go to bed.'

Friday would follow his order, even though she had been giving him the silent treatment after he snapped at her. He took the stairs up to his floor, he didn't have anyone to spar or train with, so he needed to find ways to keep up his stamina, especially with his lower lung capacity. He had three safeguards on his floor, retinal scanner, voice-activated and fingerprint scan. On these nights he hated himself for being so paranoid, without he wouldn't be able to sleep though. He collapsed into his king-size bed, after taking a quick shower and shave and immediately fell into a restless sleep, marred by nightmares.

‐-----------------

Iron man replaced by black armour!

Tony Stark changes up his game

Goodbye red and gold, hello black armour!

What does the black armour mean?

The dark side of Iron Man comes out

'No comment!' Pepper Potts, CEO of SI, about the brand new armour

\-----------------

'Tony! Where are you? Come immediately here or god help me I'll drag you here myself!'

'I wouldn't risk it, Tony, she is serious!' Tony heard Pepper and Rhodey screaming.

He was laying a little broken on his bed, bruises all over and maybe some sprained bones. He had had a long day fighting with the New Avengers, they had been sent out on a mission in Europe. Halfway through the battle, Friday had informed him that the Rogues were keeping an eye on the situation from a distance. That had totally distracted him and he had been thrown into the side of a building, hence the bruises and sprained...everything probably. Tony groaned and sat up.

'Friday let them in, please.'

He heard the door open and footsteps approaching. 

'Friday, plan my funeral please.'

'Of course sir, Monday you have a gap for a consult with an undertaker?'

'Ha, thanks for that vote of confidence baby girl.' 

He popped 2 painkillers and Pepper entered his bedroom.

'Tony!' She gasped, 'are you okay? You look awful.'

'Well good morning to you too Pep.' He stood up and hobbled into the bathroom. He honestly didn't look that great, his hair was a curly mess, bruises all over like he assumed and there were streaks of dirt all over him. He shrugged off his clothes and stepped under the warm water of the shower, it soothed the deep ache in his bones.

He just wished it did the same for the deep ache in him which longed for a friendly touch, some encouraging and comforting words. He pushed those feelings rapidly to the side, there was no space or time to grief or pity himself for messing up another friendship.

He dressed in some blue skinny jeans, a black sabbath short-sleeved shirt and a grey sweater. He shuffled into the kitchen where Rhodey handed him a glass of water and pointed at one of the chairs at the dining table, a cup of coffee stood next to a plate with a sandwich with scrambled eggs and a bowl of yoghurt with cranberries on top and some syrup. 

'I love you platypus.' He kissed the taller man's cheek and wrapped his arms around the man's waist. Tony tucked his face into Rhodey's neck and took some deep breaths. He felt another pair of arms wrapping around him from the back, Pepper, and a soft kiss on his shoulder blade. It soothed the deep ache for a few minutes and he was so grateful to have his two guardian angels still with him, but god, did he miss his other friends.

The stereotypical mysterious Russian spy, who was actually so soft at her core and he could have the best moments with her during sparring, movie nights or team dinners. Nat had been like the younger sister he wished he had had. 

The big oblivious blonde man who was too handsome and funny for his own good. Steve felt like safety, Steve cared, Steve dragged him upstairs for food, team bonding and was his pillow for when he fell asleep halfway into movie night. 

Clint, what even could he say about that man. Equally snarky, equally good at seeing danger in battles, they worked so well together, however when they needed their downtime they always stuck together. Clint could take out his hearing-aids and would hang around in the corners of Tony's lab, the high ceilings were much appreciated by that man. Tony could just brainstorm and once in a while, Clint would sign something to get Tony further in the improvement of the team's equipment. Clint didn't understand everything, he could ask just the right questions however and the right time.

And, Bruce and Thor. He missed those two a lot. Ever since Ultron he hadn't seen those two. Tony knew Bruce needed his space so he wasn't tracking him. He missed playing around with Bruce in the lab and going for the impossible. Bruce wasn't scared, as most assumed. He was shy, but not with Tony. They knew they would never hurt each other, their mutual respect was too big to ever let that happen. They would protect each other and defend each other’s points, Bruce a little more from the sideline, while Tony was loud and vocal about it.   
And Thor, one of the few men he looked up to, so inherently good, it was maddening sometimes. He admired the immense strength, bravery and optimism but Thor was also so humble and never looked down on anyone. The Ultron accident had been a bump in their friendship. He missed the way their friendship just worked so easily. 

Rhodey and Pepper released Tony and Rhodey steered him to the chair and sat beside him. They watched him eat, while they were sipping their coffee. 

'Tones, I am worried. Pepper and I are worried.'

'We care about you and your health and happiness Tony, please talk to us?'

Tony looked up at his two friends, the only two he would always look in the eyes and be honest with. 

'I don't know what to tell you. I had to step up as a leader for the new group, while I didn't want to. I want to not be in the public eye for once and not have people getting suspicious of it, but that's just not going to happen, is it? I lost the majority of my friends and people want me to confidently lead this group I barely know. I just… I hoped with this new armour… maybe it's just really naive, but I just wanted to try to get rid of all this attention, focus and harsh criticism. I can't keep people around, except for you two and lord knows why you are still here, and everything I do just gets torn down, despite meaning it well. I just-... I just can't anymore! I just want to disappear for a while and I don't know, do something which feels good you know? I want to feel like that first time I flew in my armour, Mark ll.'

Tony wasn't surprised to see the broken sadness on his friends’ faces. They again hugged him and if they felt him trembling in their arms, they were nice enough to let him cry it all out, instead of consoling him and saying 'it would all be alright in the end' because even they couldn't promise that.

\--------------

Natasha, Steve and Sam were sitting around the table in their dingy apartment in Budapest. They had been travelling around Europe for a while now. They could always return to Wakanda and Steve did so often, mostly to visit Bucky. He felt too restless to sit still however, so usually, he disappeared again after a week. 

'Why would he give up his trademark gold and red armour?" Natasha asked. She was reading the newspaper in which a two-page article was published about the establishment of the Avengers, the downfall of S.H.I.E.L.D. and its connection to Hydra, the role of the Winter Soldier, Ultron and Sokovia, the airport fight and the role of the Accords in it and the New Avengers with "The Metal Crusader" as their leader. Basically a detailed timeline of the rise and fall of the Avengers, it was painful to read how her family had fallen apart but it was the truth. Natasha had no idea how to fix this, so she had asked King T'Challa for an in-depth explanation of the Accords, what they would sign for, what they could change with amendments afterwards and what their punishments would be if they would agree to go back. 

'Let's pack, guys. We have a meeting with the King in a few days and Steve, you need to see your buddy and Sam you need to stress bake some cookies and cake for that meeting. Be at the jet in 30 minutes." Natasha folded the newspaper and went into her room to pack her bags, remove any trace of her stay there and pack the leftover of food. 45 minutes later they were on their way to Wakanda.

\-----------

5 months later

Tony woke up with an immense headache, a great way to start the day. Today was the long-awaited day. He felt a panic attack lingering, he hadn't minded his anxiety medication ever since he heard about The Rogues wanting to return. It all felt wrong but he refused to show how much it scared him. Repairing broken relationships was not one of his talents. Steve, Natasha, Clint, Sam, Wanda, Scott and Bucky all signed the Accords. T'Challa and Tony had had many calls discussing the amendments demanded by The Rogues and now 5 months later, they would move into the Compound in up-state New York. He had five hours to entertain himself and try to avoid spiralling. Rhodey, Pepper and Peter were at the Compound for that exact reason. It was a Saturday so he could tinker around with Rhodey and Peter in the shop, work on the Spiderman suit and Rhodey's War Machine armour, a dark blue version with better cushioning and support for his lower half. 

It felt good to have his friend matching with him and having him back flying by his side. Rhodey was determined to get Tony to enjoy flying again and Tony was determined to get Rhodey to enjoy flying again, maybe not healthy to deal with it like that, but hey, it worked.

Tony wore a vest and trousers, black and grey with orange stitching. It was an undersuit for the armour but not obviously. He also wore his new glasses, E.D.I.T.H., and he had the arc reactor with black armour nanotechnology in it. Despite it all he felt anxious and jittery when Friday announced the arrival of them to the compound in ten minutes. 

Rhodey, Peter and Pepper followed him to the landing platforms for the jets. He nervously wrapped his hands behind his back, the presence of Pepper and Rhodey on his side helped a little. Peter stood in front of Rhodey and shot a nervous and excited glance to Tony. Vision landed behind Tony and laid a hand on his shoulder. 

The jet landed and out stepped the seven. If Tony hadn't been prepared for all kinds of shock or awkwardness he would have ceased to exist right there.  
Steve had grown out a beard and his hair was long! Tony thanked God's above for his immense self-control.  
He shifted his eyes to the red-head, now turned platinum-blonde. He felt himself starting to slip on his self-control, seeing that honest, relieved expression on Nat's face was like a punch in the gut. He felt a wave of sadness coming over him. He shot her a quick smile and moved on to Sam and Bucky walking behind them.  
They looked extremely neutral about it all. Sam shot him a look which Tony interpreted as an 'I want to talk, please?'-look and Bucky's face did something complicated, regret, relief, shame, guilt. It was a weird mix and Tony would definitely talk to him if he wanted to.

Clint, Wanda and Scott seemed to stand apart from the four. Clint shot him a regretful and grateful look.

Scott and Wanda seemed indifferent and he couldn't be more glad he assigned them room on the other side of the compound. Vision would keep Wanda busy he had promised.

Tony took a steady breath and rattled off his practised speech. When he was done he shaking breathed out and turned around and stalked back to his floor, leaving The Rogues behind with his friends. He trusted them to finish it. He needed a flight in the armour.

\----------

Steve had just settled into his bedroom when he heard the way too familiar clang of metal. He looked outside and saw that Tony had landed on the landing platform. He saw Tony tap the arc reactor and the armour peeled off of him in the most captivating way, it felt like intruding on someone, who was very vulnerable, taking off their mask and revealing how they really felt. All Steve saw was an extremely exhausted man, like everything ached. Someone who was in need of relief of all that pain and just didn't know where to search for it anymore. A man who had accepted the permanent pain as just a side-effect of life. 

Steve understood for the first time, Steve could see why Tony had always been so self-sacrificing. He understood that when something hurts so bad, that the only relief could be dying, and if it was even considered a 'heroic death' well…

\-------------

2 months later

Nick Fury, Maria Hill and Phil Coulson had returned as the leaders of the Avengers, new and old. Those three had collectively decided to send Tony and Steve, together, on a stealth mission. Tony suspected some conspiring between the three and the others from the Avengers team. Steve had looked apologetically and guilty but he did not hesitate to agree to the mission.  
And, on top of that, Fury had asked Tony to make Steve a black stealth suit, similar to The Metal Crusador. Tony had shot the three a filthy look, grumbled his agreement after having a staredown with Fury and stormed out of the office. 

Two weeks later they would have to leave for the mission and after a week Tony called Steve down to the shop.

“Here, the suit, try it, go spare with Terminator, Thor and Nat and see if it works well enough.” Tony turned around not sparring Steve a glance.

He heard footsteps fading away and exhaled, Steve always got on his nerves, despite him trying to give Tony space.

“Thank you, Tony, I’m sorry for bothering you, I really appreciate what you make.”

Tony tensed up, Steve hadn’t left the shop and Tony had let his facade slip, Tony wanted to thunk his head against a wall. Finally, he heard the swishing of the shop’s door closing.

“Oh my, I am an idiot….” Tony sighed and rubbed his face leaving grease stains of his cheeks.

\-------------------

1,5 week later

Tony had been on this complicated stealth mission with Steve for three days now. They had to check up on five bases in the west of China. Really just checking if the signs they got from that area would become something troublesome or false alarm. It was mid-July so approximately 15 ℃, so their dingy wooden cabin wasn’t too bad to stay in. Tony had shot a prayer at the God’s above for the cabin having two bedrooms, the god being Nick Fury, Maria Hill and Phil Coulson. If it were up to the other Avengers they would put them in the Hulk room and not let them out until they finally kissed and made-up. Tony was not feeling that method.

So here they were, a Wednesday night, Tony had retreated to his bedroom and so had Steve. The walls were thin, however, so they could hear each other as if they were in the same bedroom and that was unnerving. Tony had forgotten to take his anxiety medication this morning and felt a panic attack creeping upon him. He tried to inhale through his nose and exhale through his mouth for half an hour and in the end, he did felt better and after another half an hour he nodded off.

\---------------  
Tony woke up with a gasp and grabbed at his chest. The lights flickered on and Tony scooted back against the headboard to get away from the piercing bright light.

“Tony, it’s Steve. Its Thursday morning, four in the morning, we’re in the highlands of China, West-China. You’re only with me, Steve Rogers, in a wooden cabin. We’re safe. You are safe. Focus on my voice Tony, I want to help you.”

Tony gasped a few times more and than started focussing on the steady voice he heard through the blood rushing through his ears.

“Rogers?” He wheezed.

“Yeah! It’s me, Tony. Come on, take some deep breaths. In and out.” Steve kept up his rambling about factual stuff. 

After several minutes Tony seemed to release the tension in his body. He sucked in air desperately. He slumped against the headboard and dropped his head in his hands. 

“I’ll get you a glass of water.” He heard Steve whisper and then heard his footsteps leaving his room. Tony zoned out a for minute focusing on himself and grounding himself. The tips from his therapist had helped a little at times like this. 

“Will you get the medication from the bathroom for me, please? Better take it now instead of forgetting again.” Tony asked as soon as Steve had returned with a glass of water.

“Yeah...yeah sure!” Steve said a little too loud while looking puzzled.

Steve disappeared again and returned with a strip of the Beta-blockers he took. He hated them at first because of the fatigue and weight gain. His hands and feet had always been cold so that did not change much, except for him being cold almost permanently now. Steve had a worried frown on his face.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just go to bed, we have another two days of this mission and then we can both go our own way again.”

“I-... okay,” Steve replied defeated and he closed the door on his own way out.

\----------------

Tony had this gut feeling that something was wrong. He did not know what to expect though. The base seemed desolate, it was on the side of a mountain, a mix of royal and sober-looking floors, hidden away from civilian life and no obvious arrival routes to it. It was hidden by the forest surrounding it. The atmosphere was plain unnerving. Steve was doing surveillance from the ground, as best as he could with no roads, and Tony from at air with help from Friday.

Tony found some odd energy waves coming from the base. Before he got to warn Steve he heard gunshots and explosions. 

“Cap, status?!” He barked out and taking off at top speed to Steve’s last location. Flying there he only heard the distinct clanging of the shield and groans when Steve was probably punching his attackers. Tony fired multiple of his explosives at the attackers. They did not have a back-up so they needed to be careful. Tony spared a glance at Steve and the suit fitted him so well, he really was a genius for designing a better fitting suit and now in black, all the sharp edges of Steve’s immaculate body got enhanced. In this dark forest, he could barely see Steve, just flitting past and swinging the completely painted black shield. He seemed a little off but it didn’t perturb Tony much. He nearly got hit in the head with a weapon which looked like a butcher’s knife and the knifes flying at him wedged themselves in the trees, some nearly being cut down because of that. 

“Cap, we should pull back, retreat and make up a plan. We didn’t come here to fight people!”

Steve grunted an agreement and swiftly Tony swept the taller man up and away, protecting him from the flying knives.

Several kilometres away they landed and walked back circuitous to avoid being followed to their cabin. Steve seemed to limp and Tony slipped his arm around the man’s back gingerly.

Steve hissed a little but shot a grateful look at him. Steve slumped into the couch as soon as they arrived at the cabin. Tony locked it down and asked Friday to keep up surveillance of their surroundings.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know they just appeared out of thin air. They had guns, knives, spears.”

“You’re in pain,” Tony noted as if it didn’t worry him.

“Nothing you’ll have to worry about.” Steve heaved himself off the couch and stumbled into the bathroom.

“Yeah, I do. Especially if we want to go back tomorrow.”

“I won’t bother you, I promise.”

Tony gaped at the broad man standing in a too-small bathroom.

“That is what you think? That you would bother me with stuff like that?”

“Yeah? You don’t want to reconcile with me, you’ve made that pretty clear over the past few months and I get it. I am a fucking idiot and shouldn’t have been keeping secret about anything. And then also Peggy passing away, I was feeling so bad, it all just collided and you took the brunt of it. I just had my best friend back and thought we could prevent these winter soldiers from escaping and then that happened. I'm so sorry but I'll leave you alone, you don't have to reconcile with me if you never want to. I'll deal with it." Steve sucked in a breath and squeezed his eyes shut and balled up his fists.

"Okay, first of all, you're so wrong. Second of all, breathe, please? Third of all, let's get you fixed up and then we'll talk about everything you just said. If we don't do it now it will only get harder and talking now may prevent others, worse things from happening."

Steve looked at him like he spoke in a language he could not comprehend but also a little relieved. Tony busied himself with getting out the first-aid kit while Steve stripped out of the sinfully tight black suit, there were indentations of the seems all over his body.

"Come on, wash up a little!"

"This bathroom is tiny, how do you want me to do that with you taking up the leftover space, genius?" 

And so on, they went back to how they were together before it all fell apart. Steve washed up while Tony not-so-secretly admired the well-sculpted abs, back muscles, arms and legs. All over he just looked strong and steady and it was rendering Tony speechless. He quickly retrieved the bullet from Steve's left calve, stitched it up and swaddled it.

They then went to grab some food and talked about all the mistakes they had made themselves looking back at the situation. For the first time Tony opened up to someone who wasn't his therapist about the vision Wanda had shown him and the following disaster of it all and Steve opened up about him still feeling disconnected despite all the tries from his friends and when it finally seemed to work Peggy had died, Bucky had appeared, Ultron happened and then the Accords resulting in the airport fight and Siberia's bunker fight. Steve apparently thought of himself not being worthy of happiness and that was where Steve and he seemed to connect the strongest. 

For the first time in a long, long time they both felt at peace. They shared a feeling about something, something extremely personal and deep-rooted. It wasn't something positive, far from it even, but it was something. And now they could move forward, struggling, but it was struggling together and that made the future seem a little lighter, brighter and more hopeful. That night they ended up in the same bed, both laying on their sides just talking softly and smiling a little. Tony admired the blue eyes of Steve, his sunshine bright smile and deep rumbling laughter. Tony hadn't dared to hope of ever having the privilege of hearing that again. Tony hoped he was reading all the signs right and let the urge of tracing Steve's face with his finger up. Steve closed his eyes and sighed, relaxing into the mattress and pillows of their bed. Tony cupped Steve's jaw, scratching the beard a little.

"You know, I think the team was conspiring this plan to get us to talk and I think they'll be celebrating it."

Steve huffed a little laugh in response, he had gone completely boneless under Tony's ministrations. 

"Yeah, I think so too, we were pretty bad I believe. But I wanna celebrate too, with you, if you don't mind?" Steve peered through one eye up at Tony.

"I definitely won't mind, I would gladly celebrate it with you. I missed you, you all, but especially you." Tony whispered. 

"I missed you too, Tony." 

Tony slipped further under the blankets, into Steve's arms, and let their noses just touch, breathing the same air.


End file.
